Business Systems Architect


Search for Meaning

Hey there. This is Lakshay. Thanks for coming to my website. I really appreciate your interest in getting to know me.

I spent my twenties focused on wealth-creation and exploring business opportunities. Hailing from a humble background instilled in me the importance of success and focus. Not to mention the environment we live in. Afterall, no man is an island, right?

I focused success and wealth. But lately, I have begun to realize that it’s not the wealth and success that I derive meaning from.

As birthdays roll by and the inevitability of mortality begins to stare me in the eyes, I have begun questioning a lot. I have actually begun questioning everything. And I like to take time every now and then… indulge in sober introspection about the meaning of it all. The reason for existence.

I have begun questioning my own beliefs. This has led to, of course as you would expect, a falling out between me and several people who used to be very close to me.

I have begun questioning my values. I used to believe that I value loyalty over all else. Now, I am not so sure.

This life is a journey. As I grow older, I gain courage to let my mind sink deeper to ponder… and wonder. I am unquesitonably left with more questions than answers everytime I do this. And yet, somehow, I am freer.

I used to be sure I had a purpose. An overarching mission in life. Now, I am not so sure what it is. Truth be told, I am not even sure if it exists.

I wouldn’t dare to tell you that success is more valuable than failure. I’ve been very successsful, and I’ve failed a lot. But I cannot see how one state of being is superior to the other.

The easiest moments of my life are those of clarity. Moments when the decisions are made, and there is no reason to question to those decisions. Retrospectively, I feel these moments are the very moments of hardship. The harder my life becomes, the more lost I feel. The more lost I feel, the more I feel there is a hope for me to be found.

This is all metaphysical. In reality, I have come far. Not as far as I had imagined as a child. But today I question if those dreams were my own. Or if those dreams were the product of my environment and the people in it. No man is an island and a child is especially impressionable.

I understand the power of processes. And yet I’m losing the desire for attainment.

I understand how to accomplish anything. I just don’t know why I should.

Some call this state of being nihilism. I disagree. I maintain this is a part of my journey. I am not clear on how or where this will end. I am clear that this too shall pass.

Life goes on. Business is good. I have the trappings of success, and yet it doesn’t bind me. I don’t have fear that I used to have. I have no nervousness anymore. I always wanted to be fearless. Now I miss the feeling of feeling something so strongly.

In the end, for now, my life is a big question mark. Who am I? What am I doing here? Why am I here? Who are all these people around me? Why should I care? Why can’t I stop caring even though I feel like I don’t care?

Welcome to the chaos…
Lakshay Behl