Lately I have found myself somewhat out of control. Somewhat mesmerized by, and drowning in a sea of distractions. Albeit these are forms of distraction you wouldn’t normally refer to as distractions for someone in my position.
Although, generally speaking, I am on the right track strategically, and I am engaged, to a great extent in exactly what I should be focusing on… there is also truth to the matter that I am somewhat reactive instead of pro-active.
My days are spent largely dealing with the repercussions of and the ripples from the actions I have already taken. I do admit to spending most of my time being lived, instead of living.
Case in point: Two days ago, I visited NYC after a while. Anybody who knows me knows the great love I have for the city, on account of what it stands for.
Living there is different, but when I don’t, and I’m just visiting, I like to take some time to soak in the views.
To stop and dream. To dare to believe.
But this time, the schedule was so jam-packed that the only time I spent contemplating whatever it is that I contemplate was while having my rather hasty lunch. Which in and of itself is contemptible, because lunch ought to occupy the entire bandwidth of attention one can manage to bring to the table. Heh.
While I did complete every single task on the checklist, I also felt adrift. Kind of like a survivor in a boat without oars rather than the captain of a ship.
And that is how I have been living for the most part.
Well, it has just occurred to me that the reason why I’m being lived, instead of living like I like to do is probably because I have been distracting myself inadvertently.
For instance, something like making up my bed, or re-arranging my desk like Jordan Peterson would recommend I started with.
Making shopping lists to buy everything I need to be fully functional and effective after a long distance move instead of making do with what I have at my immediate disposal.
Thinking about which keyboard would be the best upgrade and best value-for-money for someone like me who can knock out 50,000 words in a day if needs be, and then not write anything for weeks.
Running around setting up stuff and responding to emails and messages that require a response.
Yes, while I am doing the things I should be doing… I am not in control of the order. Nor am I controlling what takes precedence.
I’d like to be able to say that this has been largely on account of apathy, but I’d be remiss to overlook a pattern of underlying fear of failure here. So far this year, everything has been easier accomplished than expected, and I might secretly, subconsciously be fearing the idea of the law of averages turning against me.
I just want the smooth sailing to continue, and have begun distracting myself with stuff I keep telling myself is “important too” to avoid having to deal with going getting tougher and me having to toughen up as a response.
If after years of toil and will power… and my non-stop rebuke of procrastinators I can still manage to witness myself turn into one, anyone can.
Procrastination is inevitable. Getting rid of it is hard, but not undo-able.
In your mind, if there’s a big bad boar that needs to be hunted, but that you’re afraid of to the point of avoiding it, or delaying facing it altogether, then hunting that boar is the biggest propulsion engine built into your life.
Mine’s waiting for me to decimate it, so I’ll be seeing you.